Cor, I dunno… for someone with a brain I am surprisingly stoopid. Yesterday I realised I was getting stressed and upset, feeling like crap, all because I wasn’t getting a result I don’t even want in an effort to counteract all the extremely hard stuff I’ve done for the past twelve months. And this only two days after deciding that I need to go for whatever is easiest and most fun in my life! Dimbot.
To clarify, I ride myself hard, psychologically, all the time. I’m always obsessing about ‘growth’ or ‘development’ or whatever you want to call it. I push myself to confront my own issues and do the hard things. I’ve just spent over a year doing that. Shedding 90% of my possessions. Leaving my husband. Working hard to become physically fit. Wandering through Wales on my own. Trying new things. And giving up tobacco, my latest.
Hormones and insecurity still sometimes lead me back to the same bleak, dark place that I have been working so hard to leave behind; the place that swallowed me up in 2016. In it I feel useless, worthless, goal-less, defenceless, and worse, a burden on those who love me, because they have to worry about me being miserable. After several years of depression, the hard work of the past year finally bore fruit in mid-September and I woke up one amazing morning to find my depression had gone. I will post about possible reasons for this another time. But anyway, who fucking cares about the reasons! It’s a miraculous outcome that I celebrated every day for months, and still brings me joy and wonder every time I’m not complacent about being fine (which is, in itself, an amazing change – to be able to be complacent about not being depressed!).
An episode occurred on Friday (premenstrual right now, of course), and I visited a friend, crying and saying ‘Life is always a struggle for me! What the fuck am I fighting for?’ In our conversation she suggested doing whatever feels easy, and I scornfully replied ‘Oh, I never take the easy option!’, like it’s something to be so proud of. Dimbot. Luckily I was not idiot enough not to realise immediately the conflict between complaining about the struggle and rejecting the concept of the easy. IF YOU ARE TIRED OF FIGHTING AND STRUGGLING, WHY NOT DO THE EASY THINGS? Great! Now implement it, you fool.
So off I go to immediately start to try to address other issues and do things that make me feel sad and awful. I am a dimbot because I am a dim robot. Reacting, out of fear, out of my own judgments about the easy and the lazy. Out of my fears of people judging me, as I judge them, for taking easy options. Out of habit. Habits are hard to break. Habits are easy to follow, because they follow well-established neural pathways and allow the brain to conserve energy, which it is always trying to do. Brains are incredibly energy-hungry. Forging new neural pathways is exhausting. I adore thinking in this neuroscientific way because it is so elegant and simple, and provides really effective methods for healing and change.
Thank gawd I realised yesterday that I was departing from the easy path, and course-corrected right away. I am a dim robot, but not that dim. New mantra: Easy and fun, easy and fun (repeat into oblivion).